limbo?

not the game but more the place...

Turns out I thought I was avoiding making a decision but in the end, me not making a decision was a decision.

So now, I am going to set the world on fire with the choices I'm going to make by myself.
---- The more you love your decisions the less you need others to love them.

Just a thought but how many of us are guilty of this? Especially when you feel like your world is falling apart or your transitioning from phase of your life to another. I know that I've spent the last five days laying around rotting in front of netflix not being honest to who I am as a person and I regret it. So now's my chance to make up for lost time.

I'm Striking the match ;) you better look out.

Inspiration

what inspires you? Late night trysts? forbidden love? or being a couch potato and watching a full season of gossip girl on netflix... well i hope that doesn't give away what i did today.

But either way my point remains the same, What can, or do, we all draw inspiration from. For me a show like gossip girl while juicy and entertaining is also a great source of inspiration. There are many great hair trends featured in the series that are still relevant today even though the particular season I'm on was filmed in 2010, 3 years ago.  That and perhaps there is something i admire about Blake Lively and Leighton Meester, they are more than average in the beauty category but the way they carry themselves. ahhhhh it makes me melt.

Confidence can be inspiring and dangerous.

Perhaps thats what i should feed off of in my pursuit of all things.

but for now its two in the morning so my destiny will have to wait until I've had my beauty sleep.

xoxo

Risk?

Of course its one of those dangerous four letter words that we tend to avoid at all costs. But its also the word that's been on my mind all day.

Noun A situation involving exposure to danger: "flouting the law was too much of a risk".

Verb Expose (someone or something valued) to danger, harm, or loss: "he risked his life to save his dog".

Turns out by definition it can be used in multiple ways, but maybe that's why I for one have a problem with those "four" letter words. They're dangerous, unpredictable, and impossible to pin down at the best of times. They also happen to represnt things we face in our day to day life, yes life, if we aren't, for instance, taking risks are we living?

I'm not saying we should all fly off the handle and spend our lives savings to do something that would jeopardize our general safety or well being, but in a more rational way perhaps like cutting fringe "bangs" or deciding to invest yourself in someone you've had a crush on for a long long time. Little risks, they're fun, and at the worst its how we learn. Or have to re-learn something that's already been taught to us.

Do I risk my situation with Charles to go out with Derek on Saturday? Or do I risk my chances with Derek not knowing how everything will unfold with Charles? I suppose the biggest risk I have is not making a choice either way... but beyond all of that do I risk letting myself be hurt?

Relationships are so much like hair in my world. They're constantly changing evolving, being cut short, or allowed to drag on and continuously grow. For instance if you try someone out like bob and you go on a date, fall head over heals with him, its like pinning your hair up in the back trying to simulate the always trendy beautifully graduated A line. Sometimes we can toy with an idea or person to see if its a perfect fit before we take that plunge.

Maybe the point of this blog isn't that we should fear risk, but embrace it instead. Because as I know everyone has seen that quote "life isn't about waiting out the storm, but learning to dance in the rain". 
And I for one am completely okay with a little rain...

I know what I want and I know I wont get it unless I choose to brave a couple rain clouds. But one thing I can promise you is that I will never forget how to dance. 

I hope you feel the same way, I need to get to bed I have a lot of important things to take care of tomorrow.

xoxo

the many shades of in between.

Turns out that the scariest thing that can happen to us is that we get exactly what we want. The hardest part of getting what we want is recognizing it for what it is before we screw it all up.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

It takes a lot for me to be able to admit that I am more often than not blind to the reality of many situations due to the fact that I choose to see them only in black and white. Every shade of gray, all of the space between yes and no, its dangerous.  And that space also happens to be where lives are made, love is found, and truth can be discovered. I am promising to give this time, every situation I am in, they all just require time. There's no rush and I don't want to be stuck regretting the choices I made today a year from now.

I need to focus on me right now, getting ready for my state boards, taking care of my clients in school.... there is way more than enough on my plate at the moment so why should I be soooooo obsessed with adding a man to it? Maybe part of me thinks that it would help me eliminate other stresses, guess I am a bit naive still. But if I didn't have more life experiences waiting out there for me, you wouldn't have anything juicy to look forward to reading right?

just something to think about

xoxo

Date Night

At the moment I'm flying down I-94 with my roommate Austin behind the wheel. I know I haven't posted here in a while but that's not from a lack of material to write about. So much has gone on lately right now were going to Richardton to pick up a couch for our house!  It's almost amazing that a few short hours ago I pulled myself off of the living room floor from where I crashed last night... Last night I had an officially unofficial date with Charles we went and saw le mis it was an amazing movie - god I love Anne Hathaway.  

But that's not the point of this post, when we have a date we want to present ourselves in a very similar way to how we get ready for a job interview. I know I do at least, I over think every detail, buy a new outfit, do my hair, and try to present my best side. I want to be a person they want to have in their life. Well I guess as long as they fulfill my list if need sand wants as well. Haha which turns out is no easy task.  

Now, getting back to first dates and why they suck haha I thought I was gonna puke! I'm also terrible at making the first move, turns out I'm a chicken... But aren't we all? I know one of my biggest fears is rejection, but who can honestly say they aren't afraid of rejection as well? Even if your the most secure person in the world, if u get shot down its going to take a toll on you. I'm not 100 percent on whether I got rejected or not last night but I did end up getting done clarity into the situation I'm in Charles kinda came clean about a lot of stuff with me last night and I put down a bottle of sky vodka on top of all the other drinks and shots we had at the bar... Maybe I just need to reflect on this more it could be my hangover but everything seems jumbled in my head still :/  well wish me luck

xoxo

1800

Welllllll..... today i hit my 1800 hour mark in school! This is huge, it means I have met and have fulfilled my hourly requirements to practice cosmetology in the state of North Dakota! Its kind of a crazy feeling, I mean there is still so much more to do like take and pass my state boards, but I'm honestly not that worried about it. This was a huge hurtle for me and I know that now that I've accomplished this the next 300 hours are a piece of cake! ;)

thanks if your reading this and supporting me!
XOXO

Christmas Eve Ramblings.

Does life ever slow down? Or is it that as we get older there's more and more to be in control of, more variables to hold down.  Well, today I helped Austin start moving into our new house, I'm so excited for this new chapter; but with all of this change I feel there's even more yet to come to a head. Of course school is still taking its toll on me, but  in a few short weeks that will all be done as well. Beyond all of that there's a guy, yes of course, i know your not suprised.

Charlie, or Charles, well he is one of the most interesting people I've met in Bismarck for a very long time. He's strong, interesting, mysterious, and fun. Did I mention how good looking he is? Or the fact that he has a job, car, is over 21 and not married? I'm going to be careful and not put all of my eggs in one basket so to speak but I'm not seeing anyone else either. I just want to take my time and go slow with this. Worse case scenario I want us to be friends. Best case scenario... white picket fence?

Austins is heading up to Garrison with his girlfriend Brooke, and my brother Nick is going to his girlfriends friend Amber's house tonight. Which leaves me taking grandma up to my aunt's for Christmas eve. It's honestly so overwhelming sometimes.... the traditions you grow up with, like your family being together for the holidays, well, they change as you get older. Its almost like a little piece of my heart is broken which sounds lame but this is going to be my first Christmas eve spent without a member of my immediate family. I'm 22 and I'm sure there are clearly worse ways to spend tonight, but this is also my family's first Christmas without my grandfather as well, which I'm sure explains why my grandmother is not in the highest of spirits.

Okay, time to pick myself up out of the gutter.

(Deep Breath)

So, the original thought behind this post was, of course relationship related. I was toying with idea of why we play games with the people were romantically interested with. Is it normal or rational to feel afraid to be the first person to send a text or call? Well I'm sure its normal but its definitely not rational. Maybe that's why dating is so frustrating and confusing, its been warped out of something beautiful like courtship into a irrational mind game.  Here this thing though, all games have rules, but not all rules apply to every situation. ---- moment of realization


I refuse to think of romance as a game. If I'm with someone who finds me genuine and interesting I'm not putting rules on it that aren't even there in reality. However I still will more than likely not have sex on the first date, but I wont be afraid to call or text them after having an amazing night together.

Why is it so much easier to think when your writing? I get caught up on these ideas in my head but the moment I put fingers to keyboard, I may as well eliminate half the garbled mess in my head.


Well if your reading this today, Merry Christmas, safe travels, and I hope you find your evening filled with love.

XOXO